Genre: Creature Feature
Director: John Gulager
Availability: Amazon On Demand; Redbox (soon)
Let me first qualify this review by saying I was a big fan of not only the original 1978 movie Piranha, but also the 2010 remake - which admittedly had very little in common with its predecessor. Apparently when you put chicks in bikinis and then have them slowly being eaten alive by fish, it's highly entertaining in my book.
So I figure, how can you go wrong with another Piranha movie? Especially one with a tagline like, "Double the action. Double the terror. Double the D's." Well, let's review.
The story itself is fucking stupid. I mean, in 2010's Piranha 3D I can understand when prehistoric piranha are released into a lake from an underwater prehistoric lake that was buried and then exposed after an earthquake opened a fissure in the lake's floor. Makes total sense right? (just nod politely) So, in Piranha 3DD I'm to believe that the piranha from the first movie, before they were all blown to smithereens and after existing in Lake Victoria for oh, 3 days, laid eggs in that time in an underground river that leads into the piping system of a waterpark called Big Wet. And it's here, with certified water strippers and a fat waterpark worker who likes to stick his pecker into open water pipes and hump them, that the tiny baby piranha are released via the pipes to feast on swimmers who can't seem to make it the 12 feet to the edge of the pool to get out of the water before they are eaten alive? I don't fucking think so.
Add to this preposterousness a piranha living inside a girl's vagina for days. Days! She doesn't know this of course, because, why would you? Though the vagina piranha has the last laugh when he makes his presence known via biting a penis that suddenly moves into his territory. It's kinda like a Three's Company episode where there's all these misunderstandings and then someone totally overreacts. Anyways, the boyfriend (who is attached to said penis) pulls out and sees a piranha on his dick and he decides that the best course of action for this wacky situation is to cut it off. The penis. To cut the penis off. Then he bleeds to death on the kitchen floor. Like ya do. The girl however, having had a piranha living inside of her for days, DAYS, is like, totally fine. Of course she did have some unexplained convulsions and foaming at the mouth earlier while the piranha was narrowing in on its target. But now, covered in blood and vomit and mouth foam, she's aces. Man, vaginas are little wonder caves that can apparently house piranhas. Go vagina! (OMG.)
I'm sorry, am I spoiling the movie for you? Trust me. My silly little words will forever fail to illuminate the reality that is Piranha 3DD - a sight which you must behold yourself.
As I was saying. There are so many more completely absurd moments that I can't even begin to recount them all. David Hasselhoff guest stars, of course, as David Hasselhoff. He is so atrociously bad that he deserves a Razzie immediately. And the cherry on top... Ving Rhames. If you recall back when I was reviewing 2012: Zombie Apocalypse I stated that Ving Rhames needs to be in every horror movie I watch. I still stand by this statement, even though it actually made me sad to see him in this movie. Hell, I had more respect for him in 2012: Zombie Apocalypse. Which is saying a lot. Have you seen that movie? It's fucking horrible.
Which brings me to the end of this review, wherein I say, without hesitation, that you need to watch Piranha 3DD. IT'S HILARIOUS. Grab a friend or three (make it a threesome - hey-o!) and be sure there is copious amounts of alcohol to consume and watch this movie. You will totally regret it but it'll be one of those "had fun doing it" regrets like eating an entire box of brownie mix or blowing your paycheck on strippers and porn. Cause we've all been there, am I right? Ehhh? Yeah, I'm totally right.
2 out of 5 stars (but really more like 3.5 out of 5 stars)