Piranha 3DD (2012)

Genre:  Creature Feature
Director:  John Gulager
Country:  USA
Availability:  Amazon On Demand; Redbox (soon)

Let me first qualify this review by saying I was a big fan of not only the original 1978 movie Piranha, but also the 2010 remake - which admittedly had very little in common with its predecessor. Apparently when you put chicks in bikinis and then have them slowly being eaten alive by fish, it's highly entertaining in my book.

So I figure, how can you go wrong with another Piranha movie? Especially one with a tagline like, "Double the action. Double the terror. Double the D's."  Well, let's review.

The story itself is fucking stupid. I mean, in 2010's Piranha 3D I can understand when prehistoric piranha are released into a lake from an underwater prehistoric lake that was buried and then exposed after an earthquake opened a fissure in the lake's floor. Makes total sense right? (just nod politely)  So, in Piranha 3DD I'm to believe that the piranha from the first movie, before they were all blown to smithereens and after existing in Lake Victoria for oh, 3 days, laid eggs in that time in an underground river that leads into the piping system of a waterpark called Big Wet. And it's here, with certified water strippers and a fat waterpark worker who likes to stick his pecker into open water pipes and hump them, that the tiny baby piranha are released via the pipes to feast on swimmers who can't seem to make it the 12 feet to the edge of the pool to get out of the water before they are eaten alive? I don't fucking think so.

Add to this preposterousness a piranha living inside a girl's vagina for days. Days! She doesn't know this of course, because, why would you? Though the vagina piranha has the last laugh when he makes his presence known via biting a penis that suddenly moves into his territory. It's kinda like a Three's Company episode where there's all these misunderstandings and then someone totally overreacts. Anyways, the boyfriend (who is attached to said penis) pulls out and sees a piranha on his dick and he decides that the best course of action for this wacky situation is to cut it off. The penis. To cut the penis off. Then he bleeds to death on the kitchen floor. Like ya do. The girl however, having had a piranha living inside of her for days, DAYS, is like, totally fine. Of course she did have some unexplained convulsions and foaming at the mouth earlier while the piranha was narrowing in on its target. But now, covered in blood and vomit and mouth foam, she's aces. Man, vaginas are little wonder caves that can apparently house piranhas. Go vagina! (OMG.)

I'm sorry, am I spoiling the movie for you? Trust me. My silly little words will forever fail to illuminate the reality that is Piranha 3DD - a sight which you must behold yourself.

As I was saying. There are so many more completely absurd moments that I can't even begin to recount them all. David Hasselhoff guest stars, of course, as David Hasselhoff. He is so atrociously bad that he deserves a Razzie immediately. And the cherry on top... Ving Rhames. If you recall back when I was reviewing 2012: Zombie Apocalypse I stated that Ving Rhames needs to be in every horror movie I watch. I still stand by this statement, even though it actually made me sad to see him in this movie. Hell, I had more respect for him in 2012: Zombie Apocalypse. Which is saying a lot. Have you seen that movie? It's fucking horrible.

Which brings me to the end of this review, wherein I say, without hesitation, that you need to watch Piranha 3DD. IT'S HILARIOUS. Grab a friend or three (make it a threesome - hey-o!) and be sure there is copious amounts of alcohol to consume and watch this movie. You will totally regret it but it'll be one of those "had fun doing it" regrets like eating an entire box of brownie mix or blowing your paycheck on strippers and porn. Cause we've all been there, am I right? Ehhh? Yeah, I'm totally right.

2 out of 5 stars (but really more like 3.5 out of 5 stars)

Silent House (2011)

Genre:  Psychological, Slasher
Director:  Chris Kentis, Laura Lau
Country:  United States
Availability:  Amazon On Demand; DVD; Redbox (soon)

The original  Uruguayan The Silent House has been on my radar for a while, and yet I just haven't gotten around to seeing it. So when it was announced that the movie, which was barely a year old, was being remade in America, I sighed and said, "Noooooo!". While there have been some terrific American horror movies remade by Americans (Dawn of the Dead; Texas Chainsaw Massacre; The Crazies; The Fly; Fright Night; The Thing), there have also been some really atrocious ones too (The Omen; A Nightmare on Elm Street; My Bloody Valentine; Prom Night; The Amityville Horror). We especially don't deal well with turning great foreign horror movies into great American horror movies. We have a tendency to like our movies to have a happy ending, we like things a little more polished, a little more easy to swallow. So when you have movies from France or Germany or Japan, countries who really know how to make a fucked up horror movie, we get our hands on them and... well, it's like when people say "make love" when they really mean "fucking".

Though being a connoisseur of the horror genre I don't really discriminate. I see them all. I do however try to watch the original material first, followed by the remake. There's a sense of order that I feel I must maintain in order to be properly objective. It's rare that I will watch a remake first and in fact most of those occurrences happen when I'm watching a movie that was remade from a movie from the '40s or '50s, like The Fly or The Thing or The Blob (all remakes). At any rate, it's not a hard-and-fast rule so there are times when I falter, and this was one such time.

Netflix and other sites have referred to Silent House as a "thriller". After seeing the movie I'd say that Silent House is no more a "thriller" than say, The Strangers, which is labeled "horror" (and is also a remake!). And while Silent House is certainly thrilling, it has all of the markers of a horror movie.

I'm not sure how this movie stacks up against the original, but I will say that as a stand-alone horror movie, it's quite good. Elizabeth Olson packs a punch as the jumpy, terrified and overwrought daughter. The house plays it own role in the movie, which ultimately, may have been the most important part of all. It's rare that you can make an environment huge and maze-like and also claustrophobic at the same time. With all of the locked doors and boarded windows and lack of power you feel helpless and trapped, even when what you're afraid of is vague and elusive.

One of the most entertaining elements of Silent House was the mystery of it all. When the pieces start to fall together and you begin to suspect a larger story than what's initially being presented you get to play the fun Maybe game. Maybe it's a ghost! Maybe it's the Uncle! Maybe she's crazy! Maybe there's a giant squid from Mars and it totally loves to play the "Im in ur house, makin u scream" game! Ah giant squids. Good times.

Now, on to see the original! Which has a "The" in front of "Silent House", just so we know the difference.

4 out of 5 stars

Deadly End (2005)

Genre:  Slasher
Director:  Graeme Whifler
Country:  USA
Availability:  Amazon On Demand; DVD

When a movie boasts about being the "most disturbing movie ever made" I scoff wholeheartedly. I have seen disturbing. My eyes have been witness to such twisted delights that if I were to string the images together in one film it would be banned from the planet. After all, I did watch Human Centipede 2 and A Serbian Film back to back in the same night. And I felt kinda dirty afterwards.

And yet, upon doing research for this review I looked into what others have deemed "The Most Disturbing Horror Movies Ever", and shockingly, I have yet to see most of the ones listed. Take a look for yourself. It seems one of the trends I'm finding (aside from graphic rape) is existing real footage of wartime atrocities and animal abuse (think Faces of Death) mingled in with fake footage of gore and plot to make a "movie". For as much as I love horror movies I don't dig on real horror, so call me a lightweight but I'll keep my "disturbing" fictional.

With that being said, Deadly End wasn't "the most disturbing" thing I've ever seen but it certainly was more shocking and gruesome than I had anticipated. And well done, too. Something I did not expect from such a under-the-radar b-movie.

The story is pretty straightforward - a young couple moves into a strange neighborhood and suspects/discovers that one of their neighbors is poisoning them. From here we watch as this young couple goes through a myriad of horrible situations, from shitting themselves in public to being in a hallucinatory/coma-like state covered in boils and blisters and bleeding out their many orifices. But none of this is the "disturbing" part. The real stomach-churning bits take place with the twisted neighbor, Adrian. I'm not going to go into details because quite frankly, these moments with Adrian are what make the movie, but I will say that kudos to Deadly End for making me squeal and squirm and pace and pause the movie for a breather. Your efforts to disturb me were a success and will not be forgotten.

"Bob, he said Meow Meow Meow."

3 out of 5 stars