Review - Abigail

 Abigail (2024)

Director: Matt Bettinelli-Olpin, Tyler Gillett

Writer: Stephen Shields, Guy Busick

Stars: Melissa Barrera, Dan Stevens, Alisha Weir, William Catlett, Kathryn Newton, Kevin Durand, Angus Cloud (RIP)

How to Watch: PVOD

Synopsis: A group of criminals kidnap the daughter of a powerful underworld figure, they retreat to an isolated mansion, unaware that they're locked inside with no normal little girl.

Thoughts: There’s a certain quality in Radio Silence director duo Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett’s films these days. They pop, like bubblegum, bright and juicy with a hint of something nostalgic. Everything is horror-beautiful - the cast, the outfits, the set design - it’s all grungy but gorgeous, gothic but fresh. Perhaps it’s because they tend to keep bringing back their creative teams as well as their scream queens - Melissa Barrera and Samara Weaving - in all their recent movies, or maybe it’s because their movies end in absolute bloodbaths, but everything they do recently feels like somehow it’s in the same universe. 

All of this to say, Abigail was an absolute delight. It had the mansion cat & mouse game and the exploding bodies of Ready or Not. It had the dry humor and surprising twists and bloodsoaked brutal violence of the two recent Scream movies. But it was also solidly its very own creation. I mean, you had me at ‘ballerina vampire’. 

And I am loving Kathryn Newton recently. I haven’t always loved her work but with Lisa Frankenstein, and now Abigail, she’s proving to be quite the talented comedic horror star. Her Miley Cyrus meets M3GAN dance as she’s being puppeteered by Abigail is a thing of grotesque beauty. But the whole cast was phenomenal, everyone playing their role with a wink and a smile and a bloodcurdling scream.  Alisha Weir’s child vampire who is “several centuries” old switches effortlessly between childhood innocence, sly predator, and wise monster. Kevin Durand as ‘the muscle’ - the lovable doofus with his bizarre deep accent that at one point sounded like he was doing his best Ludo from Labyrinth impression. And Dan Stevens channeling a Brooklyn Jack Torrance. This is exactly the kind of summer blockbuster horror movie I want to see, and unsurprisingly it has proven itself to be a favorite of the year so far.

5 out of 5 💀s

Review - Infested

 Infested (2024)

Director: Sébastien Vanicek
Writer: Florent Bernard, Sébastien Vanicek
Stars: Théo Christine, Sofia Lesaffre, Jérôme Niel, and Spiders
How to Watch: Shudder

Synopsis: Residents of a rundown French apartment building battle against an army of deadly, rapidly reproducing spiders.

Thoughts: Holy shit was this movie fun! A deadly spider gets loose and (for some really great, believable reason, I’m sure) starts getting bigger and bigger. In the course of a night a group of friends are fighting for their lives as they try to escape their shitty apartment building that they’re being “quarantined” inside.  Think Quarantine meets Attack the Block with lots and lots of spiders. Everything about this movie was super solid - characters, actors, dialogue, setting, and even the CGI spiders. So turn out the lights and watch this creepy little creature feature in the dark. 

4 out of 5 💀s

Review - Something In The Water

 Something In The Water (2024)

Director: Hayley Easton Street
Writer: Cat Clarke
Stars: Hiftu Quasem, Lauren Lyle, Natalie Mitson
How to Watch: VOD

Synopsis: A group of five girlfriends must fight for their lives in open water after a dream wedding transforms into a nightmare.

Thoughts: I don’t ask for much in a shark movie. Literally a shark, the water, and some stranded folks are a good start. But there’s got to be a pinch more. A good script. A cool location. Some crazy action. An interesting spin. Something that sets this one shark movie apart from the 50,000 other shark movies out there. Bait took place in a supermarket. The Shallows had a kick-ass heroine. The Requin had Alicia Silverstone (inexplicably). Deep Blue Sea had Science! Memorable. Something In The Water has… water. And a shark, I think. And someone gets bit. And some people die. And some people get rescued. What was this movie called again? Snoozefest? I’m really not clear on the vision here. The movie starts with a hate crime in the city. Not even kidding. A year later we’re on an island (?) and a “dream wedding” brings old friends together. Enter: the Shark. Exit: the Old Friends. The End. If you want to get a jump start on your shark horror this summer, skip this one and try No Way Up - a plane full of people crash in the ocean and somehow survive. And then there’s sharks. It’s pretty fun.  

2 out of 5 💀s

Review - Snow Valley

 Snow Valley (2024)

Director: Brandon Murphy

Writer: Brandon Murphy

Stars: Rachel Michiko Whitney, Cooper van Grootel, Tom Williamson, Barbara Crampton

How to Watch: VOD

Synopsis: A newly-engaged couple's ski weekend goes horribly awry when an unexpected guest arrives and the house's dark supernatural forces begin to rise.

Thoughts: A sprawling ski chalet, an impending snowpocalypse, friends with secrets, hidden underground tunnels, and Barbara Crampton wielding a pickaxe? How can you fuck this one up? Oh, but let me count the ways. 

The first way is to cast two actors with absolutely no on-screen chemistry to play a couple who are so “happy” and “in love.” And just to prove how happy and in love they are, the first twenty minutes are, BABE, all about how, BABE, amazing one another is and, BABE, how love is so awesome. Then the friends show up. Thank god. And things go from capital B-boring to lowercase b-boring. Blah Blah, we’re Fun Friends (but we have relationship problems). And then Ed shows up. Ed, played by the delightfully unhinged Tom Williamson, is finally something solidly entertaining to feast our eyes upon. For about twenty minutes it almost feels like a one-man show. And I was here for it. Show me your crazy, you beautiful sonofabitch! But things start going off the rails, quick, and the tone drastically changes. There’s a very bizarre scene involving chakras that, while entertaining, did not fit the vibe of the movie at all. And then all hell eventually breaks loose, and the weird morphs into some serious WTF moments, with a telepathic kid and helpful ghosts and, oh - THERE’s Barbara Crampton wielding a pickaxe! I know Barbara often just shows up to do a small role but being in this movie honestly feels like she’s doing someone a favor. 

This is one hot mess of a movie. But, if you’re hellbent on watching it anyways, please watch it with friends so it can be properly heckled. My cat just didn’t get my jokes. 

After I wrote this review I met Barbara Crampton at Crypticon. I told her that I watch all of her movies. She raised an eyebrow and said, "All of them?" And I said, yes. I even watched Snow Valley. And she rolled her eyes and said, "That movie was terrible!" She went on to say that she had a large backstory that was cut out of the movie, so she's just left  inexplicably showing up with a pickaxe and chasing people. Which is accurate. But also, who cuts out Barbara Crampton scenes from their movie? Anyways. She was lovely and gorgeous and petite! 

2 out of 5 💀s

Review - Slay

 Slay (2024)

Director: Jem Garrard
Writer: Jem Garrard
Stars: Ryan Taylor, Heidi N Closet, Crystal Methyd, Cara Melle
How to Watch: Tubi

Synopsis: After a booking mistake, four drag queens perform for a mostly unwelcoming crowd, but when vampires attack, the crowd looks to the queens to save the day.

Thoughts: Drag queens + a road trip + a shithole bar in the middle of nowhere + vampires = Priscilla Queen of the Desert meets From Dusk Till Dawn. (obviously). I mean, it’s the movie we didn’t know we needed. The drag queens shine, of course, but in my opinion, the two actors that stole the show are Robyn Scott who plays Shiela, a raggedly-aged Betty Boop-ish barfly who is tired of the shenanigans of men and just wants to eat her chicken wings and drink in peace. Oh, and she’s secretly the funniest one there. And then there’s Neil Sandilands who plays Dusty the sympathetic bartender. His low, gruff voice and even temperament are hiding a beautiful secret that is one of the highlights of the ending. My only real complaint is there’s too many sentimental scenes (I mean, there’s a lot, a lot), and not enough drag show. And the cgi blood. Yikes. Practical effects could have gone a long way here, especially considering how much camp and makeup and costumes were already being generously used. Despite these small gripes, Slay has a lot to offer, one of which is a helluva good time.

3 out of 5 💀s

Review - Dagr

 Dagr (2024)

Director: Matthew Butler-Hart

Writers: Matthew Butler-Hart, Tori Butler-Hart

Stars: Riz Moritz, Ellie Duckles, Tori Butler-Hart

Where to Watch: (Amazon) VOD

Synopsis: Fame seeking YouTubers find themselves in a paranormal nightmare when the advert team they are stealing from awakens a murderous occultist from the past.

Thoughts: Found footage films are blowing up this month and there were four releases right in a row. I know many people have fatigue with the sub-genre but I am not one of them. Especially since many of them are now using the vehicle of Vloggers and Podcasters, both of which I find extremely entertaining. Dagr spends a good amount of its beginning getting to know the personalities of our two main characters as their YouTube audience follows them on a long road trip journey to their country destination for their latest heist. This portion of the film is either going to make or break your enjoyment because if you don’t like these two women, there’s literally nothing else going on to win your attention. I happened to find them very entertaining so I was pretty hooked from the start. The rest of the movie plays out very similarly to Hell House LLC Origins: The Carmichael Manor - weird shit starts to happen in a large country manor that has a history of death and disappearances. Strange chanting can be heard, hooded figures keep appearing, everyone is panicked and running around. No one leaves the house until it’s dark out and by then the ghosty occultists have shown up and they're screwed. I found this entire movie to be riveting. My only real complaint is that the reasoning behind the ghosty occultists are a bit vague (they’re Evil!) So while the peril our characters are facing is scary and real, we’re not really sure why they’re being targeted other than, wrong place, wrong time. I don’t think this movie is going to be for everyone and in fact it  doesn’t fare well with general audiences upon a quick googling glance. But I thought it was fun and memorable. 

3.5 out of 5 💀s

Review - Festival of the Living Dead

 Festival of the Living Dead (2024)

Director: Jen SoskaSylvia Soska

Writers: Miriam Lyapin, Helen Marsh

Stars: Ashley Moore, Andre Anthony, Camren Bicondova

Where to Watch: Tubi

Synopsis: While attending a festival to commemorate the original zombie attack, Ash and her friends encounter the living dead and must fight back or be devoured.

Thoughts: I’m pretty easy to please when it comes to zombie movies. Undead people lumbering after the living? Check. The living people hiding from the undead? Check. Lots of gross eating of flesh and shooting zombies in the head? Check. Then sprinkle in a dash of the Soska sisters at the helm and you’ve got a recipe for - eh. Wait, what went wrong? Oh yeah, teenagers. Let me backup a bit. So, this movie takes place in the universe of Night of the Living Dead. As in, the events in Night of the Living Dead happened in the past, the living overcame the event, and now it’s commemorated. So, cool concept or kinda hokey? I still can’t decide. But aside from some fun NotLD easter eggs hidden throughout the movie, it felt a little unnecessary to link the two. And then there’s the fact that our entire cast of characters are high school kids (and one actual kid) who make extra poor choices, are struggling to fit in, are succumbing to peer pressure, are growing apart and fighting, are being obnoxious partiers, are panicking extra hard in the face of danger, and are doing no favors for empowering women. And then there’s the zombies, who, because it’s at some kind of burning man type festival, everyone is dressed in a costume of sorts, and so the zombies aren’t simply undead people, but undead “clowns” and “angels” and “fairies” (oh my). And one of my weird pet peeves is costume-wearing zombies. Admittedly the least scary element of this zombie movie was the actual zombies, and instead I was horrified by the living. Not exactly what I thought I signed up for, and certainly a huge disappointment considering the directors.

2 out of 5 💀s