Review - Snow Valley

 Snow Valley (2024)

Director: Brandon Murphy

Writer: Brandon Murphy

Stars: Rachel Michiko Whitney, Cooper van Grootel, Tom Williamson, Barbara Crampton

How to Watch: VOD

Synopsis: A newly-engaged couple's ski weekend goes horribly awry when an unexpected guest arrives and the house's dark supernatural forces begin to rise.

Thoughts: A sprawling ski chalet, an impending snowpocalypse, friends with secrets, hidden underground tunnels, and Barbara Crampton wielding a pickaxe? How can you fuck this one up? Oh, but let me count the ways. 

The first way is to cast two actors with absolutely no on-screen chemistry to play a couple who are so “happy” and “in love.” And just to prove how happy and in love they are, the first twenty minutes are, BABE, all about how, BABE, amazing one another is and, BABE, how love is so awesome. Then the friends show up. Thank god. And things go from capital B-boring to lowercase b-boring. Blah Blah, we’re Fun Friends (but we have relationship problems). And then Ed shows up. Ed, played by the delightfully unhinged Tom Williamson, is finally something solidly entertaining to feast our eyes upon. For about twenty minutes it almost feels like a one-man show. And I was here for it. Show me your crazy, you beautiful sonofabitch! But things start going off the rails, quick, and the tone drastically changes. There’s a very bizarre scene involving chakras that, while entertaining, did not fit the vibe of the movie at all. And then all hell eventually breaks loose, and the weird morphs into some serious WTF moments, with a telepathic kid and helpful ghosts and, oh - THERE’s Barbara Crampton wielding a pickaxe! I know Barbara often just shows up to do a small role but being in this movie honestly feels like she’s doing someone a favor. 

This is one hot mess of a movie. But, if you’re hellbent on watching it anyways, please watch it with friends so it can be properly heckled. My cat just didn’t get my jokes. 

After I wrote this review I met Barbara Crampton at Crypticon. I told her that I watch all of her movies. She raised an eyebrow and said, "All of them?" And I said, yes. I even watched Snow Valley. And she rolled her eyes and said, "That movie was terrible!" She went on to say that she had a large backstory that was cut out of the movie, so she's just left  inexplicably showing up with a pickaxe and chasing people. Which is accurate. But also, who cuts out Barbara Crampton scenes from their movie? Anyways. She was lovely and gorgeous and petite! 

2 out of 5 💀s