Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys (2014)

Genre: Creature Feature
Director: James Cullen Bressack
Country: USA
Availability: Netflix Streaming

I have a soft spot for really bad creature features. I have seen every Lake Placid movie (and there were four of them) as well as Birdemic, Sharknado, Piranha (the original, remake and sequel), and every cheesy killer spider movie you can think of. I don't make it a mission to seek out this sub-genre, but when they pop up on Netflix streaming and there's an added appeal like a former hot teen tv actor turned old washed up desperate actor, I say YES PLEASE and I tune the fuck in.

So imagine my delight when Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lamprey starring Shannen Doherty showed up in Netflix just when I had a bottle of wine and a night to myself. Can you say PARTY?

Admittedly, I didn't really know what a lamprey was when the movie started. Turns out, they are actually pretty terrifying.

I'm kind of surprised there aren't more killer lamprey movies given the fact that they look like that. But as with any good (bad) water-based creature feature, you have to figure out how to make the creature be as menacing on land as they are in the water. Because come on, if something in the water is eating people, you stay out of the fucking water. And that makes 1.) a short movie and 2.) a boring movie. To get around this little detail the lamprey in Blood Lake jump out of water and move across land like giant inch worms. Still, they're no fast-moving zombie so it's pretty hilarious to watch the people get overrun with them and die within moments of being attacked. Because... for reasons.

What Blood Lake lacked in, well, everything, it made up for in blood. And thank goodness. Because if you're going to be called Blood Lake, I'm going to expect there to be a bloody goddamn lake. Even if it doesn't make all that much sense. I mean, I'm watching a movie about killer lamprey, I'm going to buy pretty much anything you throw at me. Let's do this.

I may or may not be binge watching the 90210 reboot currently streaming on Netflix. So the fact that I recently watched an old-looking Shannen Doherty bad act her way through a handful of  guest episodes in season one, alongside of a gracefully aging Jennie Garth, was extremely timely. Turns out she's just as old and bad at acting in Blood Lake as she is in everything else. No matter, I'm still a fan. Because she'll always be Brenda Walsh and Beverly Hills 90210 is a teen crush that will never die. 

But still, I'm not sure why she decided to do this Made-For-TV Animal Planet movie. Was she inspired by fellow 90210 cast member Ian Ziering's performance in Sharknado? Did she lose a bet? Was someone blackmailing her? Either way I'm grateful. Because watching Shannen Doherty get attacked by jumping lamprey and then fall off a ladder, well, that image will be turning my frown upside down for many gloomy days to come.

3 out of 5 stars