Review - Snow Valley

 Snow Valley (2024)

Director: Brandon Murphy

Writer: Brandon Murphy

Stars: Rachel Michiko Whitney, Cooper van Grootel, Tom Williamson, Barbara Crampton

How to Watch: VOD

Synopsis: A newly-engaged couple's ski weekend goes horribly awry when an unexpected guest arrives and the house's dark supernatural forces begin to rise.

Thoughts: A sprawling ski chalet, an impending snowpocalypse, friends with secrets, hidden underground tunnels, and Barbara Crampton wielding a pickaxe? How can you fuck this one up? Oh, but let me count the ways. 

The first way is to cast two actors with absolutely no on-screen chemistry to play a couple who are so “happy” and “in love.” And just to prove how happy and in love they are, the first twenty minutes are, BABE, all about how, BABE, amazing one another is and, BABE, how love is so awesome. Then the friends show up. Thank god. And things go from capital B-boring to lowercase b-boring. Blah Blah, we’re Fun Friends (but we have relationship problems). And then Ed shows up. Ed, played by the delightfully unhinged Tom Williamson, is finally something solidly entertaining to feast our eyes upon. For about twenty minutes it almost feels like a one-man show. And I was here for it. Show me your crazy, you beautiful sonofabitch! But things start going off the rails, quick, and the tone drastically changes. There’s a very bizarre scene involving chakras that, while entertaining, did not fit the vibe of the movie at all. And then all hell eventually breaks loose, and the weird morphs into some serious WTF moments, with a telepathic kid and helpful ghosts and, oh - THERE’s Barbara Crampton wielding a pickaxe! I know Barbara often just shows up to do a small role but being in this movie honestly feels like she’s doing someone a favor. 

This is one hot mess of a movie. But, if you’re hellbent on watching it anyways, please watch it with friends so it can be properly heckled. My cat just didn’t get my jokes. 

After I wrote this review I met Barbara Crampton at Crypticon. I told her that I watch all of her movies. She raised an eyebrow and said, "All of them?" And I said, yes. I even watched Snow Valley. And she rolled her eyes and said, "That movie was terrible!" She went on to say that she had a large backstory that was cut out of the movie, so she's just left  inexplicably showing up with a pickaxe and chasing people. Which is accurate. But also, who cuts out Barbara Crampton scenes from their movie? Anyways. She was lovely and gorgeous and petite! 

2 out of 5 💀s

Review - Slay

 Slay (2024)

Director: Jem Garrard
Writer: Jem Garrard
Stars: Ryan Taylor, Heidi N Closet, Crystal Methyd, Cara Melle
How to Watch: Tubi

Synopsis: After a booking mistake, four drag queens perform for a mostly unwelcoming crowd, but when vampires attack, the crowd looks to the queens to save the day.

Thoughts: Drag queens + a road trip + a shithole bar in the middle of nowhere + vampires = Priscilla Queen of the Desert meets From Dusk Till Dawn. (obviously). I mean, it’s the movie we didn’t know we needed. The drag queens shine, of course, but in my opinion, the two actors that stole the show are Robyn Scott who plays Shiela, a raggedly-aged Betty Boop-ish barfly who is tired of the shenanigans of men and just wants to eat her chicken wings and drink in peace. Oh, and she’s secretly the funniest one there. And then there’s Neil Sandilands who plays Dusty the sympathetic bartender. His low, gruff voice and even temperament are hiding a beautiful secret that is one of the highlights of the ending. My only real complaint is there’s too many sentimental scenes (I mean, there’s a lot, a lot), and not enough drag show. And the cgi blood. Yikes. Practical effects could have gone a long way here, especially considering how much camp and makeup and costumes were already being generously used. Despite these small gripes, Slay has a lot to offer, one of which is a helluva good time.

3 out of 5 💀s

Review - Dagr

 Dagr (2024)

Director: Matthew Butler-Hart

Writers: Matthew Butler-Hart, Tori Butler-Hart

Stars: Riz Moritz, Ellie Duckles, Tori Butler-Hart

Where to Watch: (Amazon) VOD

Synopsis: Fame seeking YouTubers find themselves in a paranormal nightmare when the advert team they are stealing from awakens a murderous occultist from the past.

Thoughts: Found footage films are blowing up this month and there were four releases right in a row. I know many people have fatigue with the sub-genre but I am not one of them. Especially since many of them are now using the vehicle of Vloggers and Podcasters, both of which I find extremely entertaining. Dagr spends a good amount of its beginning getting to know the personalities of our two main characters as their YouTube audience follows them on a long road trip journey to their country destination for their latest heist. This portion of the film is either going to make or break your enjoyment because if you don’t like these two women, there’s literally nothing else going on to win your attention. I happened to find them very entertaining so I was pretty hooked from the start. The rest of the movie plays out very similarly to Hell House LLC Origins: The Carmichael Manor - weird shit starts to happen in a large country manor that has a history of death and disappearances. Strange chanting can be heard, hooded figures keep appearing, everyone is panicked and running around. No one leaves the house until it’s dark out and by then the ghosty occultists have shown up and they're screwed. I found this entire movie to be riveting. My only real complaint is that the reasoning behind the ghosty occultists are a bit vague (they’re Evil!) So while the peril our characters are facing is scary and real, we’re not really sure why they’re being targeted other than, wrong place, wrong time. I don’t think this movie is going to be for everyone and in fact it  doesn’t fare well with general audiences upon a quick googling glance. But I thought it was fun and memorable. 

3.5 out of 5 💀s

Review - Festival of the Living Dead

 Festival of the Living Dead (2024)

Director: Jen SoskaSylvia Soska

Writers: Miriam Lyapin, Helen Marsh

Stars: Ashley Moore, Andre Anthony, Camren Bicondova

Where to Watch: Tubi

Synopsis: While attending a festival to commemorate the original zombie attack, Ash and her friends encounter the living dead and must fight back or be devoured.

Thoughts: I’m pretty easy to please when it comes to zombie movies. Undead people lumbering after the living? Check. The living people hiding from the undead? Check. Lots of gross eating of flesh and shooting zombies in the head? Check. Then sprinkle in a dash of the Soska sisters at the helm and you’ve got a recipe for - eh. Wait, what went wrong? Oh yeah, teenagers. Let me backup a bit. So, this movie takes place in the universe of Night of the Living Dead. As in, the events in Night of the Living Dead happened in the past, the living overcame the event, and now it’s commemorated. So, cool concept or kinda hokey? I still can’t decide. But aside from some fun NotLD easter eggs hidden throughout the movie, it felt a little unnecessary to link the two. And then there’s the fact that our entire cast of characters are high school kids (and one actual kid) who make extra poor choices, are struggling to fit in, are succumbing to peer pressure, are growing apart and fighting, are being obnoxious partiers, are panicking extra hard in the face of danger, and are doing no favors for empowering women. And then there’s the zombies, who, because it’s at some kind of burning man type festival, everyone is dressed in a costume of sorts, and so the zombies aren’t simply undead people, but undead “clowns” and “angels” and “fairies” (oh my). And one of my weird pet peeves is costume-wearing zombies. Admittedly the least scary element of this zombie movie was the actual zombies, and instead I was horrified by the living. Not exactly what I thought I signed up for, and certainly a huge disappointment considering the directors.

2 out of 5 💀s

Review - Bag of Lies

 Bag of Lies (2024)

Director: David James

Writers: David Andrew James, Nick Laughlin, Joe Zappa

Stars: Judy McQueen Bauer, Brandi Botkin, Aja Nicole

Where to Watch: Shudder

Synopsis: Desperate to save his dying wife, Matt turns to The Bag, an ancient relic with dark magic. The cure demands a chilling ritual and strict rules. As his wife heals, Matt's sanity unravels, facing terrifying consequences.

Thoughts: Bag of Lies and Baghead were both released in the same week - two creatures in bags rule-based horror movies. Weird, right? The concept here was pretty interesting though and before I even set my eyes on it, my imagination went wild with the possibilities of a cool genie-creature in a bag gone wrong. But wow, was the execution super boring. You know those movies where you’re just really uncomfortable watching it because every element feels off? This was one of those movies for me. First off, the characters are extremely unlikable. It’s not even that they’re bad people (necessarily) but the acting is stilted and there’s zero chemistry and the dialogue is super generic so just watching the two main characters interact feels icky. Even the apartment lacked personality and felt like it was being staged for a magazine photo shoot. Anyways… story, story, story. Let me see. Ah yes, rules-based horror, dude knows all the rules, dude breaks all the rules, shit goes sideways. I mean, you light a candle and pour blood into a moving bag, you’re given like five rules, you immediately break one, and then you’re surprised when weird shit starts to happen? YOU POURED BLOOD INTO A BAG. THAT WAS MOVING. Honestly, my guy. So, another irritating element was that Bag of Lies pulled a Smile and for some of the time the scary villain is just a maniacal version of one of the characters. ::deep sigh:: okay. Lots of movies “borrow” from each other but it’s just so insulting when it’s done poorly.  Yeah. This movie was hot trash.

Also, the poster is essentially the Bad Hair poster but upside down.

2 out of 5 💀s

Review - Baghead

 Baghead (2024)

Director: Alberto Corredor 

Writers: Christina Pamies, Bryce McGuire, Lorcan Reilly

Stars: Freya Allan, Jeremy Irvine, Ruby Barker

Where to Watch: VOD

Synopsis: A young woman inherits a run-down pub and discovers a dark secret within its basement - Baghead - a shape-shifting creature that will let you speak to lost loved ones, but not without consequence.

Thoughts: With roughly twenty new release horror movies coming out every month, there's only ever a handful that I am genuinely excited to watch - and Baghead was one of them. Moody and atmospheric, with a pretty creepy basement creature, there’s a lot about this movie that was really enjoyable. The main actress, Freya Allan (apparently from The Witcher series), was an onscreen delight as both a young woman disassociating herself with common sense so that she can make some fast cash, and as someone who is trying to understand her abandonment as a child in order for her to heal. The rundown pub was a fresh setting and its giant cavernous basement with a black hole in the wall was very effective in giving off “don't go in there” vibes. 

But Baghead is another “rules based” horror movie - much like Talk to Me, Truth or Dare, It Follows, Smile etc. So there’s the obligatory research mode part of the storytelling where things get laid out pretty clearly for the audience, and then it’s just up to our characters to make poor choices and break the rules so that the horror can commence - game, set, match. There’s a certain amount of predictability in this formula that must be fought against in order to surprise its audience. Unfortunately for Baghead, the fight was weak and so predictability reigned, save for one thing - the ending. Midway in the movie we discover the origin story of the creature in the basement, and from that moment on I was genuinely rooting for Baghead. The ending was a nice little fist-bump to baddies everywhere who were made, not born, and so I say - those sonsofbitches had it coming.   

3 out of 5 💀s

Review - Immaculate

 Immaculate (2024)

Director: Michael Mohan
Writer: Andrew Lobel
Stars: Sydney Sweeney, Álvaro Morte, Simona Tabasco
Where to Watch: In Theaters

Synopsis: Cecilia, a woman of devout faith, is warmly welcomed to the picture-perfect Italian countryside where she is offered a new role at an illustrious convent. But it becomes clear to Cecilia that her new home harbors dark and horrifying secrets.

Thoughts: The very nature of a nun horror movie tends to start off being quiet, subdued, and introspective. All - Christ is my sugar daddy. My Boo. Hey, Boo. Look how good I am at worshiping you. Which  is all good. But to balance things out - it is a horror movie after all - there needs to be a fair amount of creepy, of dread, of menace sprinkled in. You know, feed us horror hounds crumb by crumb until the feast. But if I've been watching a movie for an hour and text my husband "This movie is so boring." on a bathroom break, you know things could be going better. That's not to say I didn't respect Immaculate's efforts. They got pretty creative for a minute. And there's some unsettling scenes that I applaud - especially the ending. Wow. You went there. Nice work! But a horror movie shouldn't just be about the payoff in the last act. I don't eat an entire crappy meal just for the last good bite. I want the whole damn thing to be tasty. Let every course be one to savor. To remember. To talk about later. I don't want to fall asleep in my soup. That said, religious horror is one of my favorite  horror sub-genres, and my brief Catholic upbringing is still held close to my decaying heart. So in the spirit of forgiveness, I will say, Immaculate wasn't for me. But it is a good movie. And you should watch it. Amen.

3 out of 5 💀s