The Frozen (2012)

Genre: Supernatural
Director: Andrew Hyatt
Country: USA
Availability: Netflix Watch Instantly

I was remarking to myself the other day that I'm beginning to think that horror movie writers/directors don't actually watch horror movies. Sure, they may cite The Greats as their heroes and inspirations, their childhood Gods if you will. I can't tell you how many times I've read some random horror movie director recalling how seeing - The Exorcist or The Shining or Evil Dead or The Omen or Psycho or Night of the Living Dead -changed his life and he knew from that moment that he wanted to write horror movies. Or maybe they'll throw a name into the mix - The Great Wes Craven, The Amazing John Carpenter, The Brilliant George Romero! And of course, they wouldn't be wrong in their praise, but the real question remains - have they seen any of the other 10,000 horror movies that are out there? The little indies that could? The little indies that couldn't? The shit-splattered reels that roll on and off of the video shelves faster that you can decide that you want your 90 minutes back? Or the small gems that go under-the-radar and are only whispered about by the ones In The Know. Because I don't think they've seen jack shit. If they had they'd know that their tired little "twists" had been done ten times over and a hundred times better. Which brings me back to The Frozen.

Kudos to The Frozen for taking some of my horror movie loves - camping, snow, being stranded, lone survivalist chick, creepy dead kids - and then adding 90 minutes of watching paint dry and a ridiculous overused twist ending - to kill any desire I may have in the near future to watch any of the aforementioned horror movie tropes.

Fuck you The Frozen. I don't know who in their right mind gave you the genre badge of Horror Movie but someone should rip it right off of your chest and leave that open wound bloody and oozing. You suck.

Sincerely,
Doll

2 out of 5 stars

ATM (2012)

Genre:  Slasher
Director:  David Brooks
Country:  USA
Availability:  Amazon On Demand

"This is going to be the best movie ever, I can already tell." - Nat (best friend)

There are certain qualities that one must possess in order to be a true lover of horror movies. Here are a few that came to mind while watching ATM.
1.) You must have an appreciation for formula.
2.) You must have patience for bad decision making.
3.) You must accept motiveless killings.
4.) You must believe the unbelievable.
5.) You must be drunk.

That pretty much sums up the film right there, but seeing as that's not much of a "review" I'll start from the beginning.

I love a good horror movie that traps its characters together in a small space and then puts them in some kind of danger. There's a claustrophobia that comes with not being able to run away, a helplessness that opens up that dark fear within us that tells us, "you are not free". The characters are then forced to be resourceful, to use their wits to get them out of their predicament. Take Misery as the absolute best example of this, here's a guy trapped in a bed at the complete mercy of a mad woman. His resourcefulness was truly inspired. He was not only clever - hiding his pills and trying to drug her with them, swiping a bobby pin and trying to pick the lock, drinking his own urine when forced with dehydration - but he also used his charms to try to win her favor. Other movies that were adequate representations of this type of movie were: Frozen (trapped on a ski lift); Devil (trapped in an elevator); Black Water (trapped in a tree); Hunger (trapped in an underground room); Windchill (trapped in a car).

So when a movie comes out about three people being trapped in an ATM vestibule, I am immediately on board. The writers who pen these silly little movies generally get pretty creative. I mean, you'd have to, right? Otherwise the characters are just standing around not trying to do anything to improve their situation. Oh wait...

The first and most major of flaws with ATM is that they are not trapped. Not technically anyways. So the entire fucking movie you're just screaming at the TV, "Just open the door and run!" Yeah. I guess the writer thought it would be more interesting if he left the door broken and unable to lock so that there's always the threat of the killer dude coming inside. Except, a.) that would make for a really short movie, and b.) he never even attempts to come inside so, why bother? Instead, the characters are trapped by their inability to take matters into their own hands. They stand around and wonder aloud what the ominous dude in the Urban Legend jacket is doing as he hangs out in the parking lot and has a staring contest with them.

Toward the end of the movie the film escalates into a frenzy of bad decision making, which works out well for no one but killer dude. After it's all over, night turns to day almost instantly and a deserted parking lot is suddenly swarming with a hundred people. We never learn of killer dude's motives but we discover that this was not his first rodeo. A fact that, by this point, we don't much care about.

ATM was not a good movie. It had not cleverness nor likability. But it was incredibly fun to make fun of so for that alone I'm giving it three stars. And much like operating heavy machinery, don't do it alone and be sure to get really drunk beforehand.

3 out of 5 stars