The Frozen (2012)

Genre: Supernatural
Director: Andrew Hyatt
Country: USA
Availability: Netflix Watch Instantly

I was remarking to myself the other day that I'm beginning to think that horror movie writers/directors don't actually watch horror movies. Sure, they may cite The Greats as their heroes and inspirations, their childhood Gods if you will. I can't tell you how many times I've read some random horror movie director recalling how seeing - The Exorcist or The Shining or Evil Dead or The Omen or Psycho or Night of the Living Dead -changed his life and he knew from that moment that he wanted to write horror movies. Or maybe they'll throw a name into the mix - The Great Wes Craven, The Amazing John Carpenter, The Brilliant George Romero! And of course, they wouldn't be wrong in their praise, but the real question remains - have they seen any of the other 10,000 horror movies that are out there? The little indies that could? The little indies that couldn't? The shit-splattered reels that roll on and off of the video shelves faster that you can decide that you want your 90 minutes back? Or the small gems that go under-the-radar and are only whispered about by the ones In The Know. Because I don't think they've seen jack shit. If they had they'd know that their tired little "twists" had been done ten times over and a hundred times better. Which brings me back to The Frozen.

Kudos to The Frozen for taking some of my horror movie loves - camping, snow, being stranded, lone survivalist chick, creepy dead kids - and then adding 90 minutes of watching paint dry and a ridiculous overused twist ending - to kill any desire I may have in the near future to watch any of the aforementioned horror movie tropes.

Fuck you The Frozen. I don't know who in their right mind gave you the genre badge of Horror Movie but someone should rip it right off of your chest and leave that open wound bloody and oozing. You suck.

Sincerely,
Doll

2 out of 5 stars

Creature (2011)

Genre:  Creature Feature
Director:  Fred M. Andrews
Country:  USA
Availability:  DVD

Any movie that starts off with skinny dipping in the swamp has got to be good. Am I right? And Creature IS good, if you like backwater hicks, local legends, ridiculous creatures, weird cults and lots of boobies. But you also have to like movies that are gratuitous, empty shells of entertainment. And I do like those things. All of those things. So it's no big mystery why I had a ton of fun watching Creature (I'm sure the wine helped).

Like any self-respecting horror movie, we start off (after the skinny dipping in the swamp) with sexy teens on a road trip. We're all nice and paired off in the car, joking and cuddling and being lewd, and then dun dun dun... creeeeepy gas station stop for a pee break. It's here we're introduced to the ever-entertaining Sid Haig, playing yet another skeevy hick, and David Jensen - who has been in everything, ever. These two actors give a little credibility to this otherwise random creature feature.

Also in Creature is True Blood's Eggs - Mehcad Brooks. The man is as fine as ever and even if this movie sucked I'd watch it again just for him, all covered in mud and with an animalistic fury that will make your toes curl.

I guess since this movie is called Creature, and it's about a creature, maybe I should mention the creature? Yeah, he's kinda absurd. Supposedly half man, half crocodile, he resembles neither and ends up looking more like a demon snake man or something. Is he scary? Not really. Only in the respect that he's practically invincible and super strong. But his story is a sad one so I felt a sympathy for the creature which automatically makes him less menacing. Honestly, they could have done better.

And then there's the weird, out of left field sex scenes. We've got lesbianism, voyuer masturbation and incest. Surprised? So was I. But it immediately threw this, so far bland, horror movie into another bracket and I found myself intrigued by the sudden little twist, and wondered, where is it was going now? I will leave the answer to that question for you to find out on your own.

If you do decide to give Creature a go, don't take it too seriously. It's a silly creature feature so have fun with it. I know I did.

3 out of 5 stars