Review - Abigail

 Abigail (2024)

Director: Matt Bettinelli-Olpin, Tyler Gillett

Writer: Stephen Shields, Guy Busick

Stars: Melissa Barrera, Dan Stevens, Alisha Weir, William Catlett, Kathryn Newton, Kevin Durand, Angus Cloud (RIP)

How to Watch: PVOD

Synopsis: A group of criminals kidnap the daughter of a powerful underworld figure, they retreat to an isolated mansion, unaware that they're locked inside with no normal little girl.

Thoughts: There’s a certain quality in Radio Silence director duo Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett’s films these days. They pop, like bubblegum, bright and juicy with a hint of something nostalgic. Everything is horror-beautiful - the cast, the outfits, the set design - it’s all grungy but gorgeous, gothic but fresh. Perhaps it’s because they tend to keep bringing back their creative teams as well as their scream queens - Melissa Barrera and Samara Weaving - in all their recent movies, or maybe it’s because their movies end in absolute bloodbaths, but everything they do recently feels like somehow it’s in the same universe. 

All of this to say, Abigail was an absolute delight. It had the mansion cat & mouse game and the exploding bodies of Ready or Not. It had the dry humor and surprising twists and bloodsoaked brutal violence of the two recent Scream movies. But it was also solidly its very own creation. I mean, you had me at ‘ballerina vampire’. 

And I am loving Kathryn Newton recently. I haven’t always loved her work but with Lisa Frankenstein, and now Abigail, she’s proving to be quite the talented comedic horror star. Her Miley Cyrus meets M3GAN dance as she’s being puppeteered by Abigail is a thing of grotesque beauty. But the whole cast was phenomenal, everyone playing their role with a wink and a smile and a bloodcurdling scream.  Alisha Weir’s child vampire who is “several centuries” old switches effortlessly between childhood innocence, sly predator, and wise monster. Kevin Durand as ‘the muscle’ - the lovable doofus with his bizarre deep accent that at one point sounded like he was doing his best Ludo from Labyrinth impression. And Dan Stevens channeling a Brooklyn Jack Torrance. This is exactly the kind of summer blockbuster horror movie I want to see, and unsurprisingly it has proven itself to be a favorite of the year so far.

5 out of 5 💀s

Review - Infested

 Infested (2024)

Director: Sébastien Vanicek
Writer: Florent Bernard, Sébastien Vanicek
Stars: Théo Christine, Sofia Lesaffre, Jérôme Niel, and Spiders
How to Watch: Shudder

Synopsis: Residents of a rundown French apartment building battle against an army of deadly, rapidly reproducing spiders.

Thoughts: Holy shit was this movie fun! A deadly spider gets loose and (for some really great, believable reason, I’m sure) starts getting bigger and bigger. In the course of a night a group of friends are fighting for their lives as they try to escape their shitty apartment building that they’re being “quarantined” inside.  Think Quarantine meets Attack the Block with lots and lots of spiders. Everything about this movie was super solid - characters, actors, dialogue, setting, and even the CGI spiders. So turn out the lights and watch this creepy little creature feature in the dark. 

4 out of 5 💀s

Review - Something In The Water

 Something In The Water (2024)

Director: Hayley Easton Street
Writer: Cat Clarke
Stars: Hiftu Quasem, Lauren Lyle, Natalie Mitson
How to Watch: VOD

Synopsis: A group of five girlfriends must fight for their lives in open water after a dream wedding transforms into a nightmare.

Thoughts: I don’t ask for much in a shark movie. Literally a shark, the water, and some stranded folks are a good start. But there’s got to be a pinch more. A good script. A cool location. Some crazy action. An interesting spin. Something that sets this one shark movie apart from the 50,000 other shark movies out there. Bait took place in a supermarket. The Shallows had a kick-ass heroine. The Requin had Alicia Silverstone (inexplicably). Deep Blue Sea had Science! Memorable. Something In The Water has… water. And a shark, I think. And someone gets bit. And some people die. And some people get rescued. What was this movie called again? Snoozefest? I’m really not clear on the vision here. The movie starts with a hate crime in the city. Not even kidding. A year later we’re on an island (?) and a “dream wedding” brings old friends together. Enter: the Shark. Exit: the Old Friends. The End. If you want to get a jump start on your shark horror this summer, skip this one and try No Way Up - a plane full of people crash in the ocean and somehow survive. And then there’s sharks. It’s pretty fun.  

2 out of 5 💀s

Review - Snow Valley

 Snow Valley (2024)

Director: Brandon Murphy

Writer: Brandon Murphy

Stars: Rachel Michiko Whitney, Cooper van Grootel, Tom Williamson, Barbara Crampton

How to Watch: VOD

Synopsis: A newly-engaged couple's ski weekend goes horribly awry when an unexpected guest arrives and the house's dark supernatural forces begin to rise.

Thoughts: A sprawling ski chalet, an impending snowpocalypse, friends with secrets, hidden underground tunnels, and Barbara Crampton wielding a pickaxe? How can you fuck this one up? Oh, but let me count the ways. 

The first way is to cast two actors with absolutely no on-screen chemistry to play a couple who are so “happy” and “in love.” And just to prove how happy and in love they are, the first twenty minutes are, BABE, all about how, BABE, amazing one another is and, BABE, how love is so awesome. Then the friends show up. Thank god. And things go from capital B-boring to lowercase b-boring. Blah Blah, we’re Fun Friends (but we have relationship problems). And then Ed shows up. Ed, played by the delightfully unhinged Tom Williamson, is finally something solidly entertaining to feast our eyes upon. For about twenty minutes it almost feels like a one-man show. And I was here for it. Show me your crazy, you beautiful sonofabitch! But things start going off the rails, quick, and the tone drastically changes. There’s a very bizarre scene involving chakras that, while entertaining, did not fit the vibe of the movie at all. And then all hell eventually breaks loose, and the weird morphs into some serious WTF moments, with a telepathic kid and helpful ghosts and, oh - THERE’s Barbara Crampton wielding a pickaxe! I know Barbara often just shows up to do a small role but being in this movie honestly feels like she’s doing someone a favor. 

This is one hot mess of a movie. But, if you’re hellbent on watching it anyways, please watch it with friends so it can be properly heckled. My cat just didn’t get my jokes. 

After I wrote this review I met Barbara Crampton at Crypticon. I told her that I watch all of her movies. She raised an eyebrow and said, "All of them?" And I said, yes. I even watched Snow Valley. And she rolled her eyes and said, "That movie was terrible!" She went on to say that she had a large backstory that was cut out of the movie, so she's just left  inexplicably showing up with a pickaxe and chasing people. Which is accurate. But also, who cuts out Barbara Crampton scenes from their movie? Anyways. She was lovely and gorgeous and petite! 

2 out of 5 💀s

Review - Slay

 Slay (2024)

Director: Jem Garrard
Writer: Jem Garrard
Stars: Ryan Taylor, Heidi N Closet, Crystal Methyd, Cara Melle
How to Watch: Tubi

Synopsis: After a booking mistake, four drag queens perform for a mostly unwelcoming crowd, but when vampires attack, the crowd looks to the queens to save the day.

Thoughts: Drag queens + a road trip + a shithole bar in the middle of nowhere + vampires = Priscilla Queen of the Desert meets From Dusk Till Dawn. (obviously). I mean, it’s the movie we didn’t know we needed. The drag queens shine, of course, but in my opinion, the two actors that stole the show are Robyn Scott who plays Shiela, a raggedly-aged Betty Boop-ish barfly who is tired of the shenanigans of men and just wants to eat her chicken wings and drink in peace. Oh, and she’s secretly the funniest one there. And then there’s Neil Sandilands who plays Dusty the sympathetic bartender. His low, gruff voice and even temperament are hiding a beautiful secret that is one of the highlights of the ending. My only real complaint is there’s too many sentimental scenes (I mean, there’s a lot, a lot), and not enough drag show. And the cgi blood. Yikes. Practical effects could have gone a long way here, especially considering how much camp and makeup and costumes were already being generously used. Despite these small gripes, Slay has a lot to offer, one of which is a helluva good time.

3 out of 5 💀s

Review - Dagr

 Dagr (2024)

Director: Matthew Butler-Hart

Writers: Matthew Butler-Hart, Tori Butler-Hart

Stars: Riz Moritz, Ellie Duckles, Tori Butler-Hart

Where to Watch: (Amazon) VOD

Synopsis: Fame seeking YouTubers find themselves in a paranormal nightmare when the advert team they are stealing from awakens a murderous occultist from the past.

Thoughts: Found footage films are blowing up this month and there were four releases right in a row. I know many people have fatigue with the sub-genre but I am not one of them. Especially since many of them are now using the vehicle of Vloggers and Podcasters, both of which I find extremely entertaining. Dagr spends a good amount of its beginning getting to know the personalities of our two main characters as their YouTube audience follows them on a long road trip journey to their country destination for their latest heist. This portion of the film is either going to make or break your enjoyment because if you don’t like these two women, there’s literally nothing else going on to win your attention. I happened to find them very entertaining so I was pretty hooked from the start. The rest of the movie plays out very similarly to Hell House LLC Origins: The Carmichael Manor - weird shit starts to happen in a large country manor that has a history of death and disappearances. Strange chanting can be heard, hooded figures keep appearing, everyone is panicked and running around. No one leaves the house until it’s dark out and by then the ghosty occultists have shown up and they're screwed. I found this entire movie to be riveting. My only real complaint is that the reasoning behind the ghosty occultists are a bit vague (they’re Evil!) So while the peril our characters are facing is scary and real, we’re not really sure why they’re being targeted other than, wrong place, wrong time. I don’t think this movie is going to be for everyone and in fact it  doesn’t fare well with general audiences upon a quick googling glance. But I thought it was fun and memorable. 

3.5 out of 5 💀s

Review - Festival of the Living Dead

 Festival of the Living Dead (2024)

Director: Jen SoskaSylvia Soska

Writers: Miriam Lyapin, Helen Marsh

Stars: Ashley Moore, Andre Anthony, Camren Bicondova

Where to Watch: Tubi

Synopsis: While attending a festival to commemorate the original zombie attack, Ash and her friends encounter the living dead and must fight back or be devoured.

Thoughts: I’m pretty easy to please when it comes to zombie movies. Undead people lumbering after the living? Check. The living people hiding from the undead? Check. Lots of gross eating of flesh and shooting zombies in the head? Check. Then sprinkle in a dash of the Soska sisters at the helm and you’ve got a recipe for - eh. Wait, what went wrong? Oh yeah, teenagers. Let me backup a bit. So, this movie takes place in the universe of Night of the Living Dead. As in, the events in Night of the Living Dead happened in the past, the living overcame the event, and now it’s commemorated. So, cool concept or kinda hokey? I still can’t decide. But aside from some fun NotLD easter eggs hidden throughout the movie, it felt a little unnecessary to link the two. And then there’s the fact that our entire cast of characters are high school kids (and one actual kid) who make extra poor choices, are struggling to fit in, are succumbing to peer pressure, are growing apart and fighting, are being obnoxious partiers, are panicking extra hard in the face of danger, and are doing no favors for empowering women. And then there’s the zombies, who, because it’s at some kind of burning man type festival, everyone is dressed in a costume of sorts, and so the zombies aren’t simply undead people, but undead “clowns” and “angels” and “fairies” (oh my). And one of my weird pet peeves is costume-wearing zombies. Admittedly the least scary element of this zombie movie was the actual zombies, and instead I was horrified by the living. Not exactly what I thought I signed up for, and certainly a huge disappointment considering the directors.

2 out of 5 💀s

Review - Bag of Lies

 Bag of Lies (2024)

Director: David James

Writers: David Andrew James, Nick Laughlin, Joe Zappa

Stars: Judy McQueen Bauer, Brandi Botkin, Aja Nicole

Where to Watch: Shudder

Synopsis: Desperate to save his dying wife, Matt turns to The Bag, an ancient relic with dark magic. The cure demands a chilling ritual and strict rules. As his wife heals, Matt's sanity unravels, facing terrifying consequences.

Thoughts: Bag of Lies and Baghead were both released in the same week - two creatures in bags rule-based horror movies. Weird, right? The concept here was pretty interesting though and before I even set my eyes on it, my imagination went wild with the possibilities of a cool genie-creature in a bag gone wrong. But wow, was the execution super boring. You know those movies where you’re just really uncomfortable watching it because every element feels off? This was one of those movies for me. First off, the characters are extremely unlikable. It’s not even that they’re bad people (necessarily) but the acting is stilted and there’s zero chemistry and the dialogue is super generic so just watching the two main characters interact feels icky. Even the apartment lacked personality and felt like it was being staged for a magazine photo shoot. Anyways… story, story, story. Let me see. Ah yes, rules-based horror, dude knows all the rules, dude breaks all the rules, shit goes sideways. I mean, you light a candle and pour blood into a moving bag, you’re given like five rules, you immediately break one, and then you’re surprised when weird shit starts to happen? YOU POURED BLOOD INTO A BAG. THAT WAS MOVING. Honestly, my guy. So, another irritating element was that Bag of Lies pulled a Smile and for some of the time the scary villain is just a maniacal version of one of the characters. ::deep sigh:: okay. Lots of movies “borrow” from each other but it’s just so insulting when it’s done poorly.  Yeah. This movie was hot trash.

Also, the poster is essentially the Bad Hair poster but upside down.

2 out of 5 💀s

Review - Baghead

 Baghead (2024)

Director: Alberto Corredor 

Writers: Christina Pamies, Bryce McGuire, Lorcan Reilly

Stars: Freya Allan, Jeremy Irvine, Ruby Barker

Where to Watch: VOD

Synopsis: A young woman inherits a run-down pub and discovers a dark secret within its basement - Baghead - a shape-shifting creature that will let you speak to lost loved ones, but not without consequence.

Thoughts: With roughly twenty new release horror movies coming out every month, there's only ever a handful that I am genuinely excited to watch - and Baghead was one of them. Moody and atmospheric, with a pretty creepy basement creature, there’s a lot about this movie that was really enjoyable. The main actress, Freya Allan (apparently from The Witcher series), was an onscreen delight as both a young woman disassociating herself with common sense so that she can make some fast cash, and as someone who is trying to understand her abandonment as a child in order for her to heal. The rundown pub was a fresh setting and its giant cavernous basement with a black hole in the wall was very effective in giving off “don't go in there” vibes. 

But Baghead is another “rules based” horror movie - much like Talk to Me, Truth or Dare, It Follows, Smile etc. So there’s the obligatory research mode part of the storytelling where things get laid out pretty clearly for the audience, and then it’s just up to our characters to make poor choices and break the rules so that the horror can commence - game, set, match. There’s a certain amount of predictability in this formula that must be fought against in order to surprise its audience. Unfortunately for Baghead, the fight was weak and so predictability reigned, save for one thing - the ending. Midway in the movie we discover the origin story of the creature in the basement, and from that moment on I was genuinely rooting for Baghead. The ending was a nice little fist-bump to baddies everywhere who were made, not born, and so I say - those sonsofbitches had it coming.   

3 out of 5 💀s

Review - Immaculate

 Immaculate (2024)

Director: Michael Mohan
Writer: Andrew Lobel
Stars: Sydney Sweeney, Álvaro Morte, Simona Tabasco
Where to Watch: In Theaters

Synopsis: Cecilia, a woman of devout faith, is warmly welcomed to the picture-perfect Italian countryside where she is offered a new role at an illustrious convent. But it becomes clear to Cecilia that her new home harbors dark and horrifying secrets.

Thoughts: The very nature of a nun horror movie tends to start off being quiet, subdued, and introspective. All - Christ is my sugar daddy. My Boo. Hey, Boo. Look how good I am at worshiping you. Which  is all good. But to balance things out - it is a horror movie after all - there needs to be a fair amount of creepy, of dread, of menace sprinkled in. You know, feed us horror hounds crumb by crumb until the feast. But if I've been watching a movie for an hour and text my husband "This movie is so boring." on a bathroom break, you know things could be going better. That's not to say I didn't respect Immaculate's efforts. They got pretty creative for a minute. And there's some unsettling scenes that I applaud - especially the ending. Wow. You went there. Nice work! But a horror movie shouldn't just be about the payoff in the last act. I don't eat an entire crappy meal just for the last good bite. I want the whole damn thing to be tasty. Let every course be one to savor. To remember. To talk about later. I don't want to fall asleep in my soup. That said, religious horror is one of my favorite  horror sub-genres, and my brief Catholic upbringing is still held close to my decaying heart. So in the spirit of forgiveness, I will say, Immaculate wasn't for me. But it is a good movie. And you should watch it. Amen.

3 out of 5 💀s

Review - Late Night With The Devil

 Late Night With The Devil (2024)

Director: Cameron Cairnes, Colin Cairnes

Writer: Cameron Cairnes, Colin Cairnes

Stars: David Dastmalchian, Laura Gordon, Ian Bliss

Where to Watch: In Theaters (On Shudder in April)

Synopsis: A live television broadcast in 1977 goes horribly wrong, unleashing evil into the nation's living rooms.

Thoughts: It isn't often I walk away from a movie and say, "This would have been a perfect movie if only they changed this one thing". But I feel strongly about it. And it's a shame no one asked me. 

There's a lot crammed into this story. It begins as kind of a 60 Minutes news profile on late night host Jack Delroy, and his show's Halloween episode that shocked the nation. The movie is both found footage and a "broadcast" of that episode. There's some questionable logistics of how they filmed the behind the scenes footage for the "found footage" elements, especially when much of it was secret conversations between various people, but hey, movie magic I guess. But for the most part, it's just a riveting, entertaining movie, that holds itself to the ins and outs of shooting a tv show, and all the breaks they have to do for "a word from our sponsor". It makes the film feel like it's on a time crunch and the clock is always ticking and you've got 30 seconds and now we're back, hello, and now for our next guest. 

It's not a particularly scary movie. It's got a lot of scenes that are meant to unsettle us, and they work to a degree, but nothing outright scary happens until the climax of the movie. And let me tell you, that climax, it was pretty spectacular. I guess I wanted more of that, more of that sweet, sweet carnage candy. But while it may have been brief, it's certainly memorable. There's a lot of hinting at a certain plot point throughout the movie that I thought was subtle and done pretty well. The audience gets the point. We're smart like that. But then in the climax of the movie they really just lay it all out for us, showing us scene by scene, and what a disappointment. I'd rather a movie assume its audience is smart, rather than like children that need to be guiding by a held hand. It's really my only gripe. It goes from a shocking scene that we'd all been waiting for, to a series of exposition imagery that really took me out of the zone.

When all is said and done though - it was a completely original, entertaining movie that I will no doubt watch again and again.

4 out of 5 💀s

Review - You'll Never Find Me

 You'll Never Find Me (2024)

Director: Josiah Allen, Indianna Bell

Writer: Indianna Bell

Stars: Brendan Rock, Jordan Cowan

Where to Watch: Shudder

Synopsis: Patrick, a strange and lonely resident, lives in a mobile home at the back of an isolated trailer park. After a violent storm, a mysterious young woman appears at his door seeking shelter from the elements.

Thoughts: Every scene in this movie is a meticulous, measured movement, a calculated breath, and yet I never tired of the almost slow-motion nature of the film. While I think it wants to be more mysterious than it actually is, we all know who the villain is here. It is a disappointment in humanity. A terrible ugliness dominating beauty. The lonely finding meaning in small moments of connection. Of men, never seeing the person, and only the object. This is why we are here. But it does not define us.

The air in this film is made of tension. Patrick's deep, calm Australian accent is strong and hypnotic, like an Anglerfish, guiding us into a false sense of security. Every scene here is beautiful. Every light, every look, has a purpose. There is a scene in the middle of the movie where Patrick goes outside in the storm and he stands there facing the dark, the rain and wind screaming, fierce in front of him - it is a brilliant cinematic moment. 

The ending gets really weird. I feel like it's a trend with 2024 movies right now, these slow, gorgeous, layered artsy films that just end fucked up and weird as hell. You'll Never Find Me is such a film. Not as weird as many, but weird enough. It's definitely got some Wounded Fawn vibes but like, trailer park level. 

4 out of 5 💀 s

Review - Imaginary

 Imaginary (2024)

Director: Jeff Wadlow

Writer: Greg Erb, Jason Oremland, Jeff Wadlow

Stars: DeWanda Wise, Taegen Burns, Pyper Braun

Where to Watch: Theater

Synopsis: A woman returns to her childhood home to discover that the imaginary friend she left behind is very real and unhappy that she abandoned him.

Tagline:  Meet Chauncey. He's not imaginary, and he's not your friend.

Thoughts: So many thoughts. My first thought is, rather a statement actually, this is not a horror movie. I mean, if you're say, six years old, this might be a horror movie. But for any adult or teenager for that matter, this is solidly a kids movie. I'm not saying that in a snarky, "This wasn't scary enough for me!" way. I'm saying it because, this isn't scary enough for anybody. If you have children and you want to take them to a scary movie, this movie is for you. In fact, I'm not even sure why it's PG-13. Maybe there's a swear word? There was reference to drugs at one point. And a boy pees. I'm not sure how these ratings work. In fact, writer/director Jeff Wadlow cites 1982's Poltergeist as being an inspiration for this movie, and Poltergeist is rated PG and is ten times scarier than Imaginary. (I just remembered, one person does die off screen, maybe that's it.)

So, this teddy bear is "imaginary" but we the audience see him for almost the entire movie. There is a twist there later but, yes, the imaginary teddy bear is there. And his voice is that of the little girl whose friend he is. And they just go about their business, playing and trying to adjust to their new stepmom because og mom is mentally unstable? Sick? It's unclear. They don't talk about her even though she shows up once. Anyways, so the teddy bear, Chauncey, gets really big and scary sometimes, but that's really only reserved for the end of the movie and honestly, he looks ridiculous. They would have been better off using an actual live bear for the scary Chauncey, because real angry bears are terrifying. And angry Chauncey is ... jacked. And when the climax of the movie happens, dad, who is apparently a rock star? Has to leave and go on tour. Because we can't have a MAN around when shit goes down, because he'd like, fix everything right away and not let all the girls get in danger in the first place? It's a confusing plot point but I'm probably just overthinking it. The man is gone, we have to save ourselves. Oh shit. (moving on)

I mean, Jeff Wadlow does know how to make an actual horror movie. We can debate the merits of their quality, but in 2005 he wrote and directed Cry Wolf, in 2007, Prey. In 2018 was Truth or Dare. In 2020 was ::cough:: fantasy island. He's written and directed episodes for The Strain, and Bates Motel. So I know the dude can conjure up a kill and a scare. But I guess when you're making a movie for your six year old, you hold back...

I'm not exactly sure how Imaginary got marketed to adults. I feel a bit bamboozled. Like the evil Hollywood men are sitting in their fancy offices with their pencil mustaches tenting their hands together under their chins and going MWAHAHAHA. 

Yup, you got me. I've been got. You still made a shit movie, but I did see it so, the jokes on me.

2 out of 5 💀s

Review - Amelia's Children

 Amelia's Children (2024)

Director: Gabriel Abrantes

Writer: Gabriel Abrantes

Stars: Brigette Lundy-Paine, Carloto Cotta, Anabela Moreira

Where to Watch: VOD

Synopsis: Edward searches for biological family in Portugal. He finds a villa and reunites with his long-lost mother and twin. But their shared past holds a dark secret that will forever change his understanding of his identity and origins.

Tagline:  A mother's love never dies.

Thoughts: I've written three opening lines for this review so far and deleted all of them. It's obvious that I don't know where to start with this one. It's just. Well. Within minutes of watching this movie the main consensus was... what the hell is going on? And that feeling, that question, remains unanswered until the third act. The entirety of the movie was spent spouting theories - they're vampires! it's time-travel! he's possessed! she's possessed! Everything about this story was a mystery. Even the location was hard to pin down until someone said the word, Portugal. 

Actor Carloto Cotta plays twin brothers Edward and Manuel. And he does it so well, each one fully their own person, with different gestures, walks, styles, accents - I honestly thought they were actual twin brothers until IMDB proved otherwise. The performances are really impressive. And Anabela Moreira, who plays the older Amelia - oh good lord. The woman is creepy with a capital C. It's hard to look at her, her beaming unashamed confidence despite the monster she's become. Bravo to the whole cast. 

The movie starts off as a mystery and just keeps getting weirder the longer it plays. And it gets weeeeird. Like, so bizarre I couldn't have ever guessed what was actually happening until it was spelled out for me. Even then, after the movie was over, I rewound it to the start and watched the first ten minutes all over again. And the third act, when shit starts to really go down, there are some Ti West 'X' vibes that I was so, so happy about. Super proud of writer/director Gabriel Abrantes for getting really gross and making his audience uncomfortable and just going there. I'm here for it. Always. Give me some nasty taboo shit in my horror. Make me squeal, Noooooo! I love it. And I loved this movie. What an unexpected treat.

4 out of 5 💀 s

Review - The Piper

 The Piper (2024)

Director: Erlingur Thoroddsen

Writer: Erlingur Thoroddsen

Stars: Charlotte Hope, Julian Sands, Alexis Rodney

Where to Watch: VOD

Synopsis: When a composer is tasked with finishing her late mentor's concerto, she soon discovers that playing the music summons deadly consequences, leading her to uncover the disturbing origins of the melody and an evil that has awakened.

Tagline: A Deadly Tune

Thoughts: I'm not really into music horror, neither in books nor in film. Usually the story revolves around Metal or Rock and for some reason "the devil" is always involved. I guess it's a crossroads trope that has been regurgitated in one form or another for as long as storytelling has existed. But The Piper leans more into the folklore than into the "evil music", which is classical, and more haunting than the usual fare. I'm unfamiliar with the piper folklore, but it was scary in that familiar way, like The Brothers Grimm, stealing children because the adults are terrible people and must pay for being such. And the monster is the scariest kind, not obvious and in your face but instead made of shadows and fiery light with no voice but a simple focused purpose of destruction and revenge. 

One of the biggest complaints I have about the film is that the main child, Zoe, is supposed to be hearing impaired, and yet they used an actress that was not. The actress that played Zoe, Aoibhe O'Flanagan, played the role well, but I can't help but wonder if they couldn't have employed a child who really did wear a hearing aid and who really did know how to read music through vibrations. More and more filmmakers make an effort to fill roles using actors that are authentic to the culture/race/gender/sexual orientation, etc. portrayed in their film. But I so often don't see the same effort when it comes to impaired or disabled roles. ::stepping off the soapbox::

Bottom line is, if you're looking for a moody folklore horror with some cool atmosphere, this one will do quite well.

3 out of 5 💀s

Review - Stopmotion

 Stopmotion (2024)

Director: Robert Morgan
Writer: Robin King, Robert Morgan
Stars: Aisling FranciosiStella Gonet
Where to Watch: VOD (on Shudder in April)

Synopsis: A stop-motion animator struggles to control her demons after the loss of her overbearing mother.

Tagline: Bring Your Nightmares To Life

Thoughts: I'm not super versed in stop motion live action films. I've seen a handful of Harryhausen movies, and Mad God when it was finally released a few years ago. But this, this was something. A  bizarre, brilliant, original film full of metaphor and allegory. With themes  of trauma, loss, creativity, and (horrible) self discovery, there's a lot of unpacking to be done here. But among all of that is a captivating, gross, suspenseful, and creative story, trying to make its way in the world. And make its way it does - kicking and screaming and oozing blood and slime.

This is the kind of movie that, if you don't watch it sober and alert, you're going to miss a lot. I did this film the disservice of watching it as my second viewing, a little late at night, and a bit buzzed on wine and smoke. By the time the credits were rolling I was like - what? What the hell just happened? The next morning I rewatched the last thirty minutes while drinking my coffee. It cleared up (almost) nothing.

There is not a time in this film that it is not unsettling. Many horror movies start out bright and normal and it's not until forty minutes in that we see the normalcy devolve into horror. But in Stopmotion, the world that our main character lives in from the very beginning, is a bleak one. And it just keeps getting darker, and darker, until it swallows her whole. And us along with her.

5 out of 5 💀s

Review - The Seeding

 The Seeding (2024)

Director: Clay Barbaby
Writer: Clay Barnaby
Stars: Scott Haze, Kate Lyn Sheil
Where to Watch: VOD

Synopsis: A man finds himself trapped in a desert canyon with a woman living off-grid who is captive to a pack of sadistic boys.

Thoughts: As a horror movie aficionado I subject myself to all kinds of horrific scenarios. I think part of the fun is determining what I would do if I was in the situation that these poor, unlucky folks are that I'm watching on screen. Being stalked by a killer? Kill him first! Being haunted in a house? Burn that house down! I kid, but you know exactly what I mean. We all do it. We sit in our safe homes and yell at the tv, instructing those unsuspecting victims exactly what we think they should do to survive. 

But watching this movie? I had nothing. This guy is stuck at the bottom of a giant canyon with a woman living in a shack house.  He was led there by design. And he is kept there  by a dozen or so feral boys. It was a very unsettling watch, me feeling as trapped as the man whose life as he knew it was just taken away from him, with no hopes of escape. But I kept rooting for him. Build a ladder! Make some climbing shoes! Find a cave! But sometimes fucked it just fucked.

The whole movie is essentially a two-person show in one location. It would make a really compelling, stage play, you know, for twisted people like me. I do love plays but not many of them are created for the horror-loving audience. 

The "twist" is revealed in the second act but it's not much of a twist. It's a movie that we've all seen a dozen times but we just haven't seen it done this way. The third act imagery is just fantastic. It really goes from quiet and unsettling to full on fucked. And the last shot of the film - *chef's kiss*. 

4 out of 5  💀s

Review - Frogman

Frogman  (2024)

Director: Anthony Cousins
Writer: Anthony Cousins, John Karsko
Stars: Nathan Tymoshuk, Benny Barrett, Ali Daniels
Genre: Horror, Creature Feature, Mockumentary
How to Watch: VOD

Synopsis: Three friends in search of the Loveland Frogman find out that he is more than just a local legend.

Thoughts: This mockumentary screened at our very own 28th Annual H. P. Lovecraft Film Festival at the Hollywood Theatre last October. The buzz was loud and positive and I’d been looking forward to its arrival on VOD for months. And it’s not that the hype wasn’t warranted. The last thirty plus minutes are bonkers and gross and completely original. I just wish it wasn’t an absolute  slog getting there. With most mockumentary horror you encounter a fair amount of moments “secretly” caught on camera, and those moments reveal drama between characters in the form of serious conversations and/or fights. It’s a feature practically baked into the mockumentary subgenre. And while I enjoy the character development, it has to be done right in order for it to stay as riveting as the rest of the film. Unfortunately the execution here is fraught with long pauses, lingering stares, and uninspired conversations. Not to mention that the actress, while completely cute and charming, overacts her ass off and can’t stop touching her hair. I admit, I almost turned it off thirty minutes in, but instead I just got another beer and buckled down and it turns out, I’m extremely glad I did. While the beginning and the ending feel almost disjointed in tone, it still turns out to be one super weird creature feature. The lack of tension and suspense getting to that crazy climax, however, is almost enough to squash this one dead, but if you have the patience, the payoff is unforgettable.

3 out of 5 💀s

Review - Night Shift

NIGHT SHIFT   (2024)

Director: Benjamin China, Paul China
Writer: Benjamin China, Paul China
Stars: Phoebe Tonkin, Patrick Fischler, Madison Hu Genre: Horror, Slasher, Psychological
How to Watch: VOD

Synopsis: While working her first night shift at a remote motel, a woman begins to suspect that the property is haunted.

Thoughts: So many delightful tropes are presented in one tight little 80 minute movie - a night shift; trapped in a motel; killer on the loose - and I do love the tropes. Our main character, Gwen, seems to know she’s in a horror movie right from the start. She’s spooked by every shadow and noise and is suspicious of all the guests, and lack thereof. It’s perhaps because of this that the movie is dripping with tension even if it doesn’t deserve to be, yet. But after the ghostly apparitions, the creepy car, the impossibly ringing phone, we get there, to that paranoid screw this I’m out of here moment. I hate to say that I called the ending in the first twenty minutes but I guess I’ve just seen too many movies and not every movie is an original idea. Despite this, the journey was super fun. I second guessed myself on multiple occasions and I didn’t stop waiting for the final girl to earn her title.  Night Shift isn’t exactly fresh. But it's a tasty junk food option at the end of a long day.

3 out of 5 💀s

Review - Here For The Blood

HERE FOR THE BLOOD  (2024)

Director: Daniel Turres
Writer: James Roberts
Stars: Shawn Roberts, Maya Misaljevic, Joelle Farrow
Genre: Horror, Comedy
How to Watch: Screambox

Synopsis: A peaceful evening becomes bloody violent chaos. Masked intruders descend on Tom and Grace's home. The couple fights for their lives.

Thoughts: This splatter horror comedy is what horror movie nights with your friends were made for. A low budget direct-to-video throwback that pours all of its heart and soul into the gore, the practical effects, the humor, and the batshit craziness of the story. A pro-wrestling babysitter must use all of his sick-ass wrestling moves to defeat some unkillable crazy cult dudes with creepy-ass masks. There’s tons of odes to classic horror films sprinkled throughout, buckets  of spurting blood, reanimated corpses, a talking head (FEED ME), and a scary evil dimension in a cool metal box populated with powerful gods. But what really shines here are the actors, who take this film as seriously as we want them to, and because of that, we root for them the whole way. Move this film to the very top of your watch list and get ready for a ridiculously good time.

5 out of 5 💀s